Choosing Friends That Support You

Looking back to when I was fresh and raw to the new life as a single person and mom, I realize more so now the influence and pressure from people who thought they knew what was best for me. They offered advice and expressed strong opinions that I had not asked for, and most of the time the strong advice was not right for me or my son.

A couple people kept telling me to put myself out there and date. Treat myself to a new wardrobe, get may hair and nails done, and treat myself on a daily basis. While all that sounds good to most people, there is a price to pay for that. I was not in a place emotionally to date. I was hurting from the loss of my family unit as it once was, and working 3 jobs to make ends meet. Going out shopping and spending money that I did not have was not going to be helpful. I was already in a mess that was created by decisions made by others that I could not control and needed to get into a place where my focus was on God and my family.

The challenges that I was facing were very difficult and at times felt incredibly lonely. I had moments where I  wondered if I had a man in my life, would things be better for me and my son. I think a lot of us who are going through loss of a marriage feel that way, especially in the beginning and often times that is where we get into trouble and engage in unhealthy relationships whether it is with friendships or dating. One of the reasons for that is we are in a vulnerable place and have not worked through the pain and loss of our spouse, marriage and family as we knew it. We are dealing with various emotions from loss, rejection, lack of self worth, and insecurities that none of us like. We often look to others to help us feel worthy and to feel special, when what we need is to get our hearts and minds straight and in a healthy place with God and ourselves.

When we are in that place, it is easy to be influenced by people who are not the right fit for us and our kids. As a single parent, it is important to be even more aware of the people who we allow into our lives, as it is not just us affected by these people, but our kids as well. Children watch and learn from us. It is important to remember that our kids are hurting too and need security and stability from us. Most often at this stage the kids are not ready for us to date, and quite frankly neither are we. Loving on our kids and connecting as a family brings about a bond and a healing that many people miss because they are looking for others to do that for them, and they can’t.

Shortly after I became single, I had someone who showed a lot of interest in me. I was not interested in anything other than friendship. Over time this person continued to pursue me and seemed to say all the right things at the time. As I mentioned earlier, this was and is a vulnerable time and looking back, it seems to me that this person had figured out quickly I was kind and had no idea the life style this person had, and it was one that I was not comfortable with. Interestingly enough, I did not know or realize this persons dysfunction until I had let this person into my life in ways I should not have allowed. I trusted people who were not trustworthy and learned a painful lesson. This relationship ended up causing more loss and pain for me and my family with a level of regret that I was not accustomed too. Had I been in a better place with my relationship with God and had healthier support, my chances of making better decisions during that time of grief and vulnerability, would have been much better.

I have learned that choosing who you allow into the intimate part of your life is important. Not everyone should have access even though they may think otherwise.

Healthy friends take the time to get to know you and your kids, they are genuine and real. They love, support and respect you, your family, and believe in you. They don’t suggest or lure you into unhealthy situations and behavior, especially when you are vulnerable.

I encourage you to take some time and think about who is in your life and the impact they have on you and your family. Think about who is there for you and supports you and encourages you to be a great parent and make decisions that improve the quality of life for you and your family. It is also appropriate to talk with your kids about it and see how they feel and their comfort level with each person.

My mother always told me that it is not the quantity of friends you have, but the quality and connection with those who value the relationship you both share. She also mentioned the importance of respect and trust in a relationship and how those qualities are the beginning of a solid foundation where a healthy relationship can grow and be nurtured.

I encourage you to really think about where you are in life right now and those who are a part of your life. What do these relationships look like today, and where do you see them going? Are these people supportive and healthy, or toxic and abusive? This is about you and your family, not about them. If a relationship is not working, it is ok. Not everyone is a good fit. It doesn’t always mean that you have to completely end a relationship. Sometimes it is about boundaries and spending less time with those who are more of an acquaintance than a close friend. I understand it can be scary to end a relationship or to lessen the time spent with someone. Take some time and think it through, Pray about it and ask God to help you see who is genuine and healthy and a good fit for your family.  Remember that small steps forward lead to better opportunities and growth. Keep moving forward, as it does make a difference.

Our kids are watching us, and learning how to navigate life and loss. It is not that we do everything perfectly, because we don’t. It is more about how we handle the mistakes, and set a positive example when we mess up. Teaching our kids the importance of apologizing, forgiving, making things right, and moving forward without harboring bad feelings. Explaining how we can learn from our mistakes, and the importance of forgiving others as well as ourselves.

Our kids are not looking for us to be perfect. They need healthy role models, along with healthy tools to learn about communicating, dealing with hard times, emotions and living in a family that is grounded in their relationship with God and each other.

A great way to talk and share with your kids about healthy relationships is to ask each other to write down what that looks like for each of you and who is currently in your life that each of you feels is that person and why. This opens the door to great conversations about morals and values. Treating others with Love and respect, and receiving the same from others. Learning to recognize the signs of those who do not treat you respectfully and how to create healthy boundaries.

Gaining wisdom and insight regarding those you and your family allow in your lives will be a game changer. I look forward to hearing how you and your kids work through this area of your family life and the positive impact that it has. Healthy relationships are important for all of us and can create some amazing and lasting memories.